I mean Tango was very cute and completely different to Sophie, you couldn’t have met to more completely polar opposites – Tango knew about Sophie , but Sophie knew nothing about Tango apart from she was a receptionist where I worked……..
Look, I’m obviously reading this as I’m writing it, I can’t go back in time and change anything that I’ve done – all I can change is how I live my future and treat people too. So reading this makes me realise how my life has evolved due to all the fuck ups that I’ve made. I’ve got to say I wouldn’t change who I am today……..but I would change the way that I shaped myself because throughout my troubled times I knew that it wasn’t right, I just didn’t realise, or care, who it affected along the way – I’ve just been really, I mean REALLY selfish my whole life, only person I cared about was me.
Anyway, I worked as a metal trader in this firm in the Docklands, because I knew the girls on reception and all the security staff, I just took the piss with parking wherever I wanted. The management of the building introduced parking badges, of course I got hold of one – the management came down really heavy on me – so what did I do, I just bought a space to park there next to my bosses cars – I’m not having anyone tell me I can’t do something. That’s what I learnt in my life, money doesn’t buy you happiness but it does buy you choices – and I believe that we all should be able to make our own choices. I’m happy sleeping in the car and I’m also happy sleeping in a 5 star hotel – I just don’t like to be told I have to sleep in the car. It’s like flying in economy and being told you can’t enter the first class cabin – who the fuck are you to tell me what I can or can’t do!!
So as I’ve gone along in life I’m now comfortable with myself, where as when I was young I needed friends, girlfriends, people in general, I just wanted to be liked. Sad but true, I don’t think I liked myself, or felt comfortable with me and so needed other people, no matter at what cost to them. Poor old Sophie deserved so much better than me – same for Tango. I remember staying at her parents home one day and when I was leaving, her mum said to me ‘are you going back to spend the day with Sophie??’ I didn’t really know what to say, I mean wow, is she comfortable that I’m sleeping with her daughter but have a girlfriend or was she making me feel awkward – because believe me she certainly achieved the awkward award!
I had no direction, no idea where the road that lay ahead of me was heading – this is how I see it now, people talk about the journey through life and I used to think, what the fuck are they talking about – now I see exactly what they mean. How can you go through the journey of life with no destination set – I mean you don’t just get in a car and drive, you know where you’re going most of the time and that’s how you end up there – so surely we should do the same in life. It’s not just about telling yourself you want money, you need to work out how you can achieve that on your journey.
I wish someone had told me this 20 years ago – had they, I probably wouldn’t be writing this – but who’s to say that some messed up young kid , like me, reads this and it sinks in and makes a difference. Imagine that you’re driving along your journey through life, as long as you know where you are heading, you’ll pick up people on your journey that are also heading in the same direction, these people may even know a short cut and help you get there faster.
Now imagine that you have no idea where you’re heading in life, do you think the people you meet along your journey will also know where you’re going – how can they, if you don’t they can’t – and these are the people along my journey that I’ve met…… the funny thing is, the people who did know where they were heading, didn’t stick around long in my life, they knew I was dangerous, destructive and on a one way to no where – I wouldn’t listen to anyone….why should I, I thought I knew best!
We all need guidance, we just need to believe that the people offering the guidance know where the fuck they’re going and what they’re talking about!
I was a very lucky young man to get as far as I did, I’ve read the blog, I can’t believe I’m still alive – there’s many things I haven’t written about, this has been hard enough to read as it is, I’ve been very spoilt, very messed up, very lucky – amazingly lucky and unfortunately other people around me haven’t come off so well.
I think that now it’s the time to get back to where I first started writing this blog, the reason why I decided to write this – the thing that changed my life, the accident where I killed an innocent man just out walking his neighbours dog……..